Mommy Shorts

Toddler Voodoo, Hello Kitty Caskets & Greybies

Some very cool stuff happened this week including two huge shout-outs in the Huffington Post. They picked up my letter to Jessica Simpson and included me in their Best Mom and Dad Blogs of the Week(!).

I'm feeling pretty fancy, right about now.

In Mazzy news, she looked cute as ever (see above), put her terrible twos on hold (thank god), and did many impressive things— like while she was playing with a bunch of change on the table at a restaurant, suddenly she announced, "I made Mickey Mouse!"

That she did.

What else happened in the past two weeks besides Mazzy being accepted into MENSA?

Free Babysitting, Anyone?

Giveaway: 10 Winners of $60 Gift Cards to UrbanSitter.com

As far as I know, the best gift that anyone can give you is the gift of free babysitting.

I know this because my sister has been shirking off material gifts since my daughter was born in favor of cards with a coupon inside that say "one free weekend night of sitting".

Somehow, this makes me way happier than a Macy's gift card ever could.

Because without the coupon, my sister might agree to free babysitting but that babysitting comes with conditions. Only weeknights. Preferably a Monday. Come home early so she and her husband can still meet up for a late dinner. (God, I feel old when she does that.) And most annoyingly, I have to schedule WAY in advance.

Sudden urge for a date night with my husband? Not happening.

Well, I want to give you guys some free babysitting and I don't want to caveat whatsoever. It can be a weekend. It can be a weekday. It can be tomorrow. It can be for freakin' Christmas Day and you can book it Christmas Eve for all I care.

And I'm not just going to give away free babysitting to one person, I am going to give away free babysitting to TEN PEOPLE.

That is incredibly good odds of going out, my friends.

Dad and Daughter Team Up Against TV Screen

Check out this little girl imitating her daddy being an asshole while watching a basketball game.

Did I say asshole? 

I meant one of those guys that yells profanities at the TV screen like it actually makes a difference.

So I guess, I mean, ALL GUYS.

Except maybe a guy like... Tim Gunn. But I bet Tim hurls profanities during Fashion Star all the time.

Anyway, this video is adorable. Even if the guy fuckin' traveled and the call was total bullshit. 

Also, this could totally be Mike and Mazzy...

Dr. B and the Magical Countdown

Over the last few weeks, I have discovered something quite magical. No, not a calorie-free Kit-Kat or a diaper changing robot, even though, believe me— I HAVE LOOKED. 

I have discovered numbers. 

Not just any old numbers. I'm talking about the numbers 1-5. 

Somehow these numbers can make my stubborn two-year-old do just about anything.

I even used my newfound numerical powers this weekend to show a thing or two to my mother, who previously had me beat in every parenting related category. (The categories include: coming up with ways to entertain a child, preparing food they will eat, and cleaning crumbs from the car, in case you were curious.)

I pulled these magical numbers out of my ass, Mazzy turned into the picture of obedience and my mother stared at me with a look that said, "I AM ASTONISHED BY YOUR GREATNESS." And I must admit, I was astonished by myself, as well.

Want to know my secret?

Dear Jessica Simpson

Dear Jessica,

It's almost been a full month since the birth of your baby girl. I want to start by congratulating you on keeping little Maxwell alive this long. I know the odds were against it.

Don't be mad— the odds were against me keeping my daughter alive as well. I can't even keep a plant alive for a week. Or open a playground gate without lacerating my hand. And my baby is almost two and a half!

Now, I don't want to talk about your choice of baby name, your obsession with buying little Maxwell huge flowered headbands (even though I really HATE those) or your ability to capitalize on your offspring– baby photos, weightloss deals, maternity lines, OH MY!

Nope. I'd like to talk about the conflicting reports I've seen in the gossip rags concerning your transition to motherhood.

Mazzy's Big Screen Debut

Last summer, a director friend of mine named Mark Nickelsburg shot a short movie starring his son, Lucas, called "Harry Grows Up".

It's about an eighteen-month-old boy who falls in love with his babysitter but then she leaves him to go to college.

Faced with the prospect of a NYC winter alone as a single baby, Harry falls into a deep depression. (Haven't we all been there?)

But then spring arrives and Harry meets someone who changes everything— a one-year-old girl named Zoe.

Who plays Zoe?

Mazzy, of course! (What little boy could possibly resist her?)

I had no idea what kind of film Mark was making when I agreed to let him use my daughter (although I assumed he'd keep things PG) and I wasn't even there while it was being shot because I was working.

My nanny took Mazzy where she needed to be and when, Mark somehow got her to "perform" for the camera, and I waited patiently to see the final result. 

Today I Rant About Grey's Anatomy

It's going to be hard to end the week on a good note because I just watched the season finale of Grey's Anatomy. 

And as much as I like to stay on topic here at Mommy Shorts (parenting related nonsense and the like), sometimes I need to vent about something random. 

Like television.

Specifially horrible television that continues to waste my time.* 

First of all, that should not have been the season finale. That should have been PART 1 of a Two Hour Season Finale.

Secondly (SPOILER ALERT), if Grey's Anatomy isn't going to get me (a person who has watched the show since it's inception) to cry when Lexi dies, then that seriously says something AWFUL about McSteamy's acting abilities.

Also? Why kill off Lexi???

Here's my real problem.

Kids Pay Awesome Tribute to the Beastie Boys

When Adam Yauch passed away on May 4th, I didn't think it was the kind of thing I would cover on Mommy Shorts, even though I have always been a huge Beastie Boys fan.

I still remember which mirror I was looking in when I confirmed that my "License to Ill" cassette tape said "Eat Me" backards. Scandalous stuff for a kid!

But now, thanks to a director named James Winters, I can showcase a proper MCA tribute.

He enlisted the help of his two sons and their little cousin to film a reenactment (with minor kid-friendly changes) of the Beastie Boys' "Sabotage" video. 

Check it.

15 Reasons Elmo Should be Jealous of Hello Kitty

Is your unhealthy Hello Kitty obsession getting in the way of booking a flight in the Hello-Kitty-less skies? Well, you are in luck, because Eva Air has just debuted two new planes that are designed specifically for you.

Who needs a boring red felt blanket and a one in twenty chance of scoring a prison-grade pillow, when you can rest your head on a Japanese cat with a pink bow and soul-sucking eyes?

How to Sell Poop in a Box

Mazzy has opened a store. It's located between the couch and the bookshelf and the inventory changes constantly.

She sells shells, rocks, playing cards, homemade Blue's Clues, costume jewelry, and farm animal figurines.

Prices vary depending on the day.

Whether she is willing to sell anything to you at all or even grasps the basic principles of consumerism is anybody's guess.

Sometimes she says she is selling and sometimes she says she is buying, which can only mean that she is running an elaborate importer/exporter business out of our end table.

Despite her recent entry into the business world, Mazzy can be surprisingly shrewd.

She insists on taking your money before she hands over your purchase and then she almost always immediately reclaims it by saying "I'll hold it for you for later"— knowing full well that you will forget about the sale come tomorrow.

She also knows that if you want to sell something for a high price and your customer is known to bargain, you should start obscenely high. 

Like the time she tried to sell poop in a box to her dad for $50. 

Yes, there's video. (That's me laughing and trying my best to hold the camera straight.)